Sunday, 26 October 2008

"Suddenly, I felt like I was wearing patchouli in a room full of Chanel." – Carrie

Miss Bradshaw always did know how to express certain views, such as feeling like the only different thing in every god-dam situation. So, it’s like every time I think am finding myself, my sense of purpose, my reason to be alive on this earth, I lose it completely. Looking at my star sign today which read, You are both a highly sensitive and a highly intellectual person, dear Taurus. This is a wonderful combination, and part of what makes you the superstar that you are. Today's planetary positions challenge you to think about how you can best combine these two key components of your personality. Have you ever considered writing as a career? It might provide just the sort of balance you seek. Give it some thought or, better yet, simply start writing and see whether or not it suits you” courtesy of Yahoo…

So am thinking hmmm…in btw watching reruns of Sex & the City, which completely makes my days everyday. The girls always make me (an also every other woman) feel I can do the impossible even when I know I suck (like a total loser), they make me feel it is possible, so should I write (am pondering) as a full career??? Or just write to balance my life out somewhere??? Still deciding.

The girls (Sex & the City, I mean) are in this episode talking about not wanting to be alone, whereas in my current case all am looking for is some solitary from everything and everyone I know. I know I know…but it feels like I can’t get a clear sense of direction with all these people and things interrupting my daily existence… should I run away (good thought, worth considering) or should I just stick it out and I’ll survive???

You know when you write it’s personal no matter what you want to say it comes out some other kind of way… I dint mean for this to be a self pity parlour or a hate fan base but it’s just, I feel so unhappy with my self, my life, everything and its worse because I don’t know how to alter the reality am in right now. Am trying so hard – maybe that’s my problem?? I once had a million dreams when I was a little girl and now I can’t even face myself when I wake up. A friend of mine wrote an article recently ‘should I call it a ballad instead’ about how the soul of Rhythm and Blues is dying over the years and how she used to make sweet love to how its sound was back when the lyrics, the beat, the song touched every pore of your being. Is that how am feeling that over the years am beginning to die as an individual without a strong voice, an opinion, taking a stand in something she believed especially if it did not fit the norm our society deems right. Who the hell are they to determine who we are, or who we become???

I feel am in such a place where I need as just a person to regain my strength, then become an individual and proceed to evolve into a voice. It is bad enough I feel I disappoint the people I love, I can not do anything right by the people around me, so how can I say I want to change the world, make a difference ???How????

Yes Oh so yes, I want to grow up to be mature, sexy, independent and very blessed, I want to be highly sensitive and a highly intellectual person, but then it takes work, sacrifices, commitment, dedication and a lot more of which I question myself, ARE YOU READY????

Example: I feel I am emotionally stunted with the man I am dating/in a relationship with/ seeing (not sure bout this one though, lol)…but you get what it is I am trying to say right? Can you imagine we are supposed to be celebrating our 1 year anniversary at the end of the month, and it feels like we are so far apart in whatever it is you want to call what it is we are engaged in. He said he loves me. Big right, but do I feel the same way??? Shouldn’t I feel the same automatically?? What is wrong with me??? I feel like so many things about this issue but not one of them is love, because apparently I don’t show it…

Though the question is, "Just how dangerous is an open heart?" –Carrie.

Yes yes am all bout Carrie today but like I said she seems to know how to say what needs to be said. So how dangerous is it really, if you ask me I am so scarred out of my mind about not knowing who I am as a person that I don’t want to hurt someone else (which I am already doing by the look of things). Its like am pushing away all the blessings in my life because I believe my penance is not fully paid. So what should I do, leave him for his own good OR tell him and let him help me (but I don’t want any help, sniff sniff). This self finding I want to accomplish all by myself, I do not want to lean on anyone for this, right? Oh God Help Me.

So again I tell you it’s not that I want to wake up feeling sorry for myself everyday but it feels like that right now, so am asking him (you know, GOD) for the strength to wake me up gradually and say I AM CHANGE, I CAN CHANGE, I WILL CHANGE.

So to start I want to own my views about stuff, what I like and what I do not like. My opinions not tainted or biased, even if it does differ from others. My belief of what religion should mean. My understanding of my future career what it does entail, do I like it or not? What friendships should mean to me, give up on people completely, some or none? What relationships should be composed of and with whom are they healthy, for me or not? Dealing with my personal health, for the better and not for worse. The point of all this is responsibility, so it seems what I fear for the most has come back to me, so it will become my own choice to run or face becoming a strong voice in the world. Who I will become time will tell, no?? lol.

It is time to completely put the past behind, no matter how hard (seriously no joke) it hurt you and do your best in looking in to the future. For in the future you will make history not only for you but for others as well, you will speak not only for you but for those who cannot, you will stand not only for you but for those who cannot stand and you will be that strong voice the world is aching to hear. You will rise above everything because the Lord is and will always be your strength. He will take care of you when no one else will, so for whoever you believe in, you just have to BELIEVE and it will happen.

See you soon.

Happy All Hallows Eve my friend.


Alex Malory